Here Are All the Things You’re Supposed to Do Now

Be a vegetarian.

Be a vegan.

Be a carnivore.

Eat keto.

Eat low carb.

Eat slow-carb.

Eat every two hours.

Intermittent fast.

Do yoga every morning.

Do pilates every night.

Only work out in the morning.

Only work out in the afternoon.

Only work out at night.

Don’t forget oil-pulling.

Use natural deodorant.

Try acupuncture.

Try dry-needling.

Sleep 9 hours.

Don’t sleep at all.

Hustle.

Build your platform.

Don’t forget to use hashtags.

Wear pants on Zoom calls.

Save 10% of your income.

Save 70% of your income.

Max out your 401k.

Invest in stocks.

Avoid bonds.

Buy real estate.

But maybe not right now.

Sell before the crash.

Buy Bitcoin.

Short Tesla.

Understand Tesla’s a giant scam.

Understand Bitcoin’s a giant scam.

Understand the whole economy’s a giant scam.

Use index funds.

Invest ethically.

Don’t use plastic.

Practice the life-changing art of tidying up.

Be a minimalist.

Practice the subtle art of not giving a f*ck.

Lean in.

Prioritize relationships.

Make time for yourself.

Read more books.

Do an information detox.

Buy local.

Get a second passport.

Vote.

Vote Democrat.

Vote Republican.

Vote Tea Party.

Vote third party.

Don’t vote.

Believe in God.

Mock people who still believe truth exists.

Read the classics.

Read the bestsellers.

Read the news.

Stay up-to-date.

Subscribe to The Atlantic.

Listen to Joe Rogan.

Stand with George Floyd.

Be a proud boy.

Stay woke.

Believe in the free market.

Protest.

Pay your taxes.

Tax strike until the rich pay first.

Be a socialist.

Be a libertarian.

Hate J.K. Rowling.

Read Jordan Peterson.

Stand with Bernie and AOC.

Signal your virtue.

But don’t be a virtue-signaler.

Tweet your support.

Share if you care.

Follow if you follow.

Speak up.

Shut up.

Speak your truth.

Don’t offend anybody.

Dream big.

Set realistic expectations.

Learn from the past.

Forget the past.

Live life in the moment.

Plan for the future.

Or

You can accept the reality that life is a series of choices and that it’s okay to say “NO” at least half the time.